1. |
The Final Prologue
02:52
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Narrator: Boss and TARS are the best of friends once again. Frolicking through the fields of Planet Fuh without a care in the world. TARS is still the king of the Fuqlings, but a kinder one, after Boss’ mental meddling.
Narrator: It’s a beautiful time in the lives of our heroes, and nothing could possibly ruin it.
Narrator: In other news, the Fuh King is a zombie now and wants to murder Boss and TARS.
Fuh King: Where is that robot piece of shit!?
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2. |
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Fuh King: Yeah! The Fuh King is back baby!
Fuh King: I’m gonna need a fucking army… A fuqling army! But they’ve all defected to TARS!
Fuh King: I’ll need something else. I’ve heard about a temple in the mountains, full of a bunch of dead….umm… throat lovers? Gullet fuckers? Neck romancers, that’s it! We’ll I’ve got one thing they don’t.
Fuh King: I’m not dead (x6)
Fuh King: DEAD! (x4)
Narrator: Now the Fuh King steps up to the temple and he lowers down his eyes. He sees a spell to summon a dead army and he’s ready for a fight. (x2)
Fuh King: Hear me speak rhythms, hear me speak a dying tongue,
Hear me speak summons, hear me speak the dead and gone,
Hear me speak spirits, hear me speak you back to life,
Finally your time has come,
The Fuh King’s done,
Now TARS begone,
And Boss along the way
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3. |
Chapter II: This Is Fine
04:59
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Narrator: Now lean on in, as we float to the other side, of this rock we all know as Planet Fuh. Boy, we’re in for a wild ride.
(To the other side of the planet, here we go. Where we’ll see Boss and TARS, maybe Portrice and Janet.)
Narrator: Well, well, well, there they are right now.
Boss & TARS: Everything is fine! Time to open wide, and drink this fuqling brew. It feels warm inside. (x2)
Boss: Ok so, be really honest… what does this taste like? I don’t really know what to expect. It’s kind of like… green and boogery, I don’t know about this… Is it strong? Oh it’s not!? Okay, sure! Why not!?
(drinks)
(Got a drink for you, got a drink, got a drink. (x4))
Boss: And if you want to drink, we’ll get to it. Looks green with a sheen, I’ll drink screw it. Bottoms up, alien brew, get to it. I’ll drink to it, so screw it. And if you want to drink, we’ll get to it. Looks green with a sheen, I’ll drink screw it. Looks green with a sheen, I’ll drink screw it. I’ll drink screw it, I’ll drink screw it!
Boss: I’m trippin’ balls, once again.
Drunkness: Oh my god!
Boss: Everything was fine, until I opened wide, and drank that Fuqling brew. I feel sick inside.
Narrator: Tripping balls! Balls!
Boss: Everything was fine, until I opened wide, and drank that Fuqling brew. I feel sick inside.
(Got a drink for you, got a drink, got a drink (x2))
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4. |
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Boss: Oh man, TARS, that stuff was really strong.
TARS: Yup, sure was.
Boss: Who’s coming here? Is that Janet?
Janet: Boss, TARS, both of you need to come this way. There’s a video call for both of you.
Boss: Who could this message be from, I’ve got a funny feeling. I know that there’s something wrong.
Boss: Computer, open the stream.
Fuh King: Hahahaha! Hey fuckers! I bet you didn’t expect to see me again! We’ll listen up, because this time you’re going to be the one to die! And I’m going to shit all over your graves! Hahahahaha
Boss: What do we do?
TARS: We will never surrender. We will never surrender. My kingdom, I will defend her.
Boss: So uh TARS, I can’t really lie. I’m kind of freaking the fuck out right now… Like… a-whole-lot.
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5. |
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Boss: Fuck!
Boss: Fucking fuck! The fucking zombie Fuh King fucking is back! (x4)
Boss: Ahhhhh!
TARS: Now Boss wait a sec, and sit right down, and don’t freak out we still got the crown. If we beat him before, we can beat him again, so come on troops get your shit and fall in.
Troops: Are we gonna win? Are we gonna win? Hope we’re gonna win. Hope we’re gonna win.
Little Fuqlings: Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Boss: Fucking fuck! The fucking zombie Fuh King fucking is back! (x4)
Boss: Ahhhhhhhh!
TARS: We can band, put him away. This is our land, we’re here to stay. We can band, put him away. The Fuh King’s fucked, we’re here to play!
Troops: Ah-Oom pound the drum (x4)
Boss: Fucking fuck! The fucking zombie Fuh King fucking is back! (x4)
Boss: Ahhhhhhhh!
Boss: We prepare for war (x5)
Fuh King: We prepare for war! (x3)
Fuh King: For war! (x2)
Boss: Fuck! (x2)
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6. |
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Boss: Get in line! Over there! Fall into the anti-Fuh-King formation! TARS what the!? What the fuck!?
Narrator: The living were on one side, the dead on the other. Boss looked to TARS, with a bit of fear in his eyes. Knowing this fight would be different, but TARS just couldn’t give a fuck.
TARS: I’m engaging combat mode. Boss sit back do as you’re told.
Fuh King: Charge! (x2)
Boss: We have to hold the line! (x2)
Boss: Zombies, keep breaking through, and the only way to kill them is to cut their head. Follow me, TARS will know what to do.
Troops: How do we kill a zombie?
Troops: Knock them all down, they get back up.
Troops: Hit the body, rip the body, then we can go back to the party.
TARS: Boss, follow me. I’ll lead us to victory! And kill the Fuh King!
Narrator: As the battle raged on, Boss spied a path through the warring armies, straight to the Fuh King. If he could only slay him, the dead would be banished. So he charged forward.
Boss: Follow your king!
TARS: Now is the time, no backing down, now it’s you and me. Now it’s you and me!
Fuh King: Charge! (x2)
Boss: We have to hold the line. (x2)
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7. |
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Narrator: And so, the two armies clashed, again and again. Like ocean waves, crashing into one another. Until finally the Fuh King saw an opening. Straight through the battlefield, straight to TARS. So that he could finally end it. Once and for all.
Fuh King: I can’t stand your robot shit! (x3)
Boss: TARS you really got to go, this is a new foe! Robot really doesn’t know, this is a new foe! (x2)
TARS: It’s my time, and I’m ready to die, but Boss is scared, and I don’t know why he doesn’t think that I can emerge again, victorious. We’ve beat him before and he’s scared of us. I am dangerous! Because I won’t be stopped, I can’t be beat, and there is no way this ends in defeat. I will not retreat! And I stand my ground, machines will rise, to the top of every fight. Let me emphasize, it’s my time and I’m ready to die, but Boss is scared and I don’t know why he doesn’t think that I can beat this bitch. Silly Boss, doesn’t know shit.
Boss: TARS, you still have time! To retreat back to our side and run for your life!
Narrator: Final showdown, let’s gather around, pull up a seat to see, our hero TARS. He won’t retreat, but can he win? Let’s see.
TARS: I can’t feel my wheels.
Fuh King: Hahahaha! Oh, look at you now. Looks like someone’s starting to break a little bit. Well who’s laughing now TARS?
Boss: Am I too late?
Fuh King: What you feel is not broken. You’re about to find out what broken is…
Boss: I am too late.
Fuh King: Because now you’re MINE! (Anger)
Boss: Please stop, you’re killing him! This isn’t how it’s meant to end! (x3)
Fuh King: I can’t stand, your robot shit!
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8. |
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Boss: TARS… what did he do to you?
TARS: Boss… come closer… closer… I have something to tell you.
Boss: I’m listening.
TARS: Maynard’s Dick is a Tool song.
Boss: What the fuck?
TARS: Hehe (dies)
Boss: TARS… TARS?
Boss: Oh no… TARS you cannot go. You’re leaving me alone. Now I’m lost in space. Oh no.
Boss: This cannot be true (x3)
Fuh King: If I had my way. There’d be nothing left of his remains, but since I’m such a nice Fuh King, I guess I’ll let you bury your friend.
Boss: His broken pieces across the floor, are his remains. All that remains is scattered across this moor. But his memory’s inside, I’ll revive. Mark my words; if he’s gone, you’re going to see him on the other side!
Boss: I think this is it, TARS my friend. We’re beaten, out, this is the end for us. There’s nothing left to this, I fear.
Fuh King: Rise! Do your hearts quake in fear? Stare deeply into my dead eyes. You bow to no robot king, but to the Fuh King from the grave. Let me hear you raise your voice, for this, our victory.
Fuh King: What’s that? You’ll bow to me? Well you’re all a Fuh King travesty.
Boss: His parts are mine. He’s still inside. I will revive. He’s still inside. I will revive!
Fuh King: Oh TARS! You’re just a broken, useless bot! Oh you’ll never win it now, just give in. You’re just an empty, hollow shell, and now they’re gonna bow to me! They’re gonna bow to me! The Fuh King wins! I fucking win! I fucking win!
Narrator: And so, as the Fuh King rallied his troops, Boss and his fuqling allies brought the shattered remains of TARS back to his camp. Hoping desperately that he could be fixed…
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9. |
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10. |
Chapter IX: The Can
06:34
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Boss: I walk alone, to the undead. I feel the fear in my bones. Nothing but the plan in my head.
This plan will fail. I’m full of doubts. Live or die, I cannot fail, and there’s no easy way out.
Fuh King: Nowhere left for you to go! You’re not in control! And there ain’t no way you’ll convince me to let you go free! Boss, I win!
Boss: I’m starting to see, your problem with me. Listen to me, there’s something that I have that you might need.
Fuh King: You will never be anything more to me than another dead enemy.
Boss: Tell me. Why are you so mad!?
Fuh King: Well it’s been eleven years since I’ve let out a good fart. It’s been hell, I tell you, waiting for a time to let it all out. I’ve been cursed to never let it rip.
Boss: Wow… that actually sounds pretty awful. Does it hurt at all?
Fuh King: You won’t believe the burn! Won’t understand the hurt! The gas has chewed me up inside! Nothing’s left of me, just farts!
Boss: I have something. A peace offering. Please take these beans. They give relief.
Boss: Have a peace offering, have a can of (a) beans. (x8)
Fuh King: Mmmm! These are actually pretty good! Let me think about this peace offering hehehe…oh….uh… It’s making me feel a little funny though…
(rips ass atomically)
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11. |
The End Of An Era
02:20
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Narrator: With his toxic gas expelled, his body freed from torment. The Fuh King sighed in contentment, and looked upon Boss with newfound respect and admiration. They embraced, tears streaming down both their cheeks, as they thought maybe things might be okay after all… and then they heard someone approach.
Portrice: Boss! We did it! We saved TARS! We put his brain capacitor in this toaster!
Boss: Ahh damn it TARS! You burnt the toast!
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Empire Bathtub Houston, Texas
Empire Bathtub is the progressive music duo of Stephen Forristall and Jonah Robertson, who have flown through space and time in a wash-basin to deliver a glorious sonic buffet to titillate your earholes.
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