Carnival Barker: Oh well hello there
No, no, no you’re not lost
You’re in just the right place
We've got all things that are good!

For example, look over there!
It’s a whole booth dedicated to the number 69
Oh and what’s that?
That’s a familiar face!
That looks like the Fuh King’s head mounted on a wall!
Yes Boss, you’re in….
THE MIND OF TARS!

Oh Boss! Come right over here
I have to show you one of my favorites!
Look! It’s a picture of you, that time that TARS replaced your toilet paper with Listerine strips!

Okay everybody, everybody settle down
Now Boss… we know you’re not here for all this—as great as it is
We know that you’re hear for something particular
Yes, yes…We know you’re hear to change TARS’ mind
And we don’t know how we feel about that, do we?

But! We have a special guest that’s going to go with you on this journey
His name is Oracle, why don’t you come on up Oracle

Oracle: Hello Boss

Carnival Barker: Yes, yes, we all love Oracle don’t we?
And he’s going to take you on your journey Boss
So here’s what you have to do, LISTEN UP!
You must climb to the top of Mount Whiskey Dick

Oracle: It’s a real place, look it up!

Carnival Barker: That’s where TARS will be
This next part is important…
You must convince TARS to ring the gong
That is the only way to change his mind

But remember! If you die in TARS’ mind…
YOU’LL BE TRAPPED HERE FOREVER!

So here’s your map…
Now get the hell out